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Ahhh, rebirth! If you are reading this, congratulations on discovering (or rediscovering) the majesty, tomfoolery, and overall racial tension that has come to be known as UseBombs.com. It’s a new beginning for some of us. For others, it’s the same beginning. For others still, we are only just beginning to begin thinking about beginning this website. Is this all very convoluted? Who’s to say? I can’t seem to shake the thoughts of another “birth” for all of us, and all of the glorious canals we could pass through. In all honesty though, even with this “rebirth,” there is so much about the entire birthing process that still confuses me. Even more befuddling are the steamy pile of articles that are bound to make themselves known in the coming months: the afterbirth. With that being said, and in celebration of this glorious website, here are some of My Favorite Practical Uses for Afterbirth.
A Complicated Alarm System – I can see it now. A Doc Brown-esque masterpiece of an invention that dumps afterbirth on potential burglars and swindlers. That oughtta teach ‘em for tryin’ to steal my newspaper, eh Doc?
“Got Milk” Ads – Milk mustaches are funny. Poop is also funny. I’m not so sure about amniotic fluid, but hey, no one ever got anywhere without taking a few risks.
Totsicles – Kids absolutely love frozen fun foods, and what would be more appealing than afterbirth popsicles?! Just pour some of the excess fetal goop into a few ice cube trays, cover with plastic wrap, and stick toothpicks into the middle of each plastic mini-uterus. Freeze overnight and voila! The little ones just can’t get enough of the frozen fluids of even littler ones.
Well, there you have it! I refuse to be responsible for any of the consequences that may or may not befall anyone that tries any of these methods, but I can personally guarantee that they work. Well, not personally, but a friend of a friend can probably guarantee it. After all, the Native Americans used every part of the buffalo.