Last Month
Staff Blogs
I’m a 19-year old virgin. What is wrong with me? How do I win over the ladies?
This isn’t an easy one, but all you need is some patience, and to be aware of a few key points about the opposite sex to help you tackle the challenge of dipping your dunk. You must remember at all times that most women are just like tropical birds. If you know anything about tropical birds then you’re a step ahead of me. I overheard that little analogy at a bus station some years ago and it’s baffled me for a long time. So basically, just do as I do. When approaching a women in a public setting, i.e, club, concert, or simply waiting outside of a Zumba class, remember that she is like that of a tropical bird. Don’t introduce yourself abruptly. Don’t speak loudly at all. Keep your hands in your pockets at all times. In fact, try not to make any eye contact and don’t do anything that may startle her and send her off into a hasty retreat, arms flapping and a trail of liquefied and digested berries or grasses being sprayed out from the back of her.
Once you’ve eased your way into her proximity without scaring the shit out of her, and she’s noticed you and has acknowledged that she is comfortable with your presence, it’s time to continue. Now deciding how you go forward from here is very important. Keeping the first point in mind, you must remember that this poor, fragile girl has possibly already been startled by other overbearing suitors all night long, so she may be a little skittish. However, she will realize that YOU have chosen to speak with HER. And if that’s something that pleases her, then the conversation should progress naturally. However, if she’s rude or out right ignores you, it’s going to take some work. And it’s at this moment where you would immediately present any talents that you may possess. This is absolutely crucial. You want to show her that you’re worth her time, and break dancing is a surefire way into a girlie’s pants! Any juggling or soft shoe can work wonders as well. If you’ve read any of my past Sex/Relationship advice, you know to save any magic tricks or illusions you may have in your “talent” arsenal for saving a failing relationship. That’s a long way down the road for you though, virgin, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves! Once you’ve gotten over the “rudeblock” that she had put between the two of you, your interaction should be flourishing. This is a great time for you to ramble on about all of your past accomplishments:
Were you ever in a commercial for your Uncle’s mattress store? Let her know!
Did you make it all the way to Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts? Tell her all about it!
This will help her open up and she’ll then attempt to tell you about her likes and dislikes, and you want to seem interested, so if she tells you that she likes to ride horses, you need to one-up her. Tell her about all the times you’ve raced horses! If she talks about a band that she likes, let her know about the time you got them all blowjobs from your sister when their tour bus broke down out front of your parent’s second house in Canada. You want to continue to maintain a presence of awesomeness at all times, so if you’re rocking six-pack abs, or are blessed with a boat oar for a cock, flaunt that shit. Even if it’s just the tip! Showing off will only help her realize that mating with you could be a very pleasurable experience. Hopefully by this point, the conversation will start to veer towards that of a sexual nature. And yeah, you’re a virgin, but she doesn’t know that. How could she after the break dancing and the cocktip that should now be hanging out of your opened zipper!? It’s at this juncture that it would be highly appropriate to then graphically describe all of the things that you would love to do to her. For tips on that, I suggest watching a lot of Peter North films. That should give you a basic idea of what women find pleasurable in the bedroom.
If by now she hasn’t invited you back to her place or swiped her dripping snatch and ran her soaked finger through your mustache, time to move on. Find another candidate ASAP and begin army crawling your way up to your next target. Remain patient, yet diligent. You’ll get your dick inside one of these bird women soon enough! 