Last Month
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The following is a very detailed account of Arison Cain’s speech at the Brotherhood of Arguing Zoologists Convention and Smokehouse FunFare in Savannah, GA on June 6th of last year, along with the question and answer session following the presentation. Fresh off from his acceptance of the Nobel Prize in Sex for the third consecutive year, his presentation in Savannah was attended by every great name in modern science. His magnificent discovery had already altered the course of history and, even under unprecedented scientific anticipation, Arison’s words would not disappoint.
1.a) A Xorse flies over Palenque. Photo by Peter Andersen.
Arison: Ladies and gentlemen, fellow brothers and sisters in science, and smokehouse staff. I am proud to stand before you, not as your equal, but as your friend. Well, maybe your friend and your equal. That might sound better, whether it is the accepted truth or not. Regardless, I don’t consider you to be on the same level as me, nor should you. That would just be ridiculous. I, however, will allow you to feel as though I am pretending we are equals for the duration of this speech. I feel like that’s a good middle ground for us.
If you are not aware, within the past two months, I, Dr. Arison Edward Cain de Pardeux de Corleone de Vicki Christina Barcelona, have proven without a shadow of a doubt the existence of a modern-day miracle creature. Modern science had, at one point, foolishly dubbed the creature Anchiomis Huxleyi and proclaimed it extinct. This is a slave name! The fact of the matter is, this majestic and honorable creature deserves to be called by its REAL name. A name so holy and magnificent, it commands the immediate release of excrement from all within earshot. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The Xorse.
(Handlers unveil the Xorse, free of any restraint, to deafening applause and collective lower g.i. failure)
1.b) A Xorse observes the end of WWII.
As my extensive research has shown, the Xorse has lived throughout time, having significant impact on the events of our recorded history. In figure 1.a, we can clearly see the Xorse soaring above an Ancient Mayan city. Figure 1.b clearly depicts the Xorse at the Japanese surrender on the battleship Missouri. Finally, figure 1.c shows the Xorse in the future, waging war with a genetically engineered Iranian Robo-Manatee.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you check your cryptodex, you should see it has been updated to include all the statistical and sexual information we have about the creature. Now begins the question and answer portion of the presentation. Please wait to speak until you are recognized by the chair.
Chair: The Chair recognizes Dr. Bruce Vilanche, Subway University.
Dr. Vilanche: Much has been made of the creature’s strange habits pertaining to consuming its young. Please explain this further.
Arison: Of course. A common misconception is that the Xorse ritualistically consumes its weakest young. This is not the case! The Xorse is an envious creature, and thus consumes its mightier young to protect itself, hence the creature’s extreme level of endangerment. You are examining the only remaining specimen of the species.
Chair: The Chair recognizes Dr. Brettward Ramen, Cedar Sinai Center of Proctology.
Dr. Ramus: And what of the creature’s sexual habits?
Arison: All tests have indicated high levels of aptitude, as well as an impressive reach.
Chair: The Chair recognizes Dr. Joel DiCaprio, Alabama Mountain Lion Community College.
1.c) The last Xorse battles the Mechatee over Tokyo.
Dr. DiCaprio: What do you propose we do, moving forward, to introduce the Xorse to the public?
Arison: We must be proactive. For modern science, the time is now. We must recant our previous conclusions about the creature’s existence! Now is the time to apologize for our misgivings and ENDORSE THE XORSE!
Chair: The Chair recognizes Dr. Kevin Hinman, National Hebrew Medical and Research Center.
Dr. Hinman: Do the Chair know we gonna look like some punk ass bitches out there?
Arison: Enough! One more question.
Chair: The Chair recognizes Dr. Paul St. Paul, Monroe Institute for Unibrow Technology.
Dr. St. Paul: And what if we choose to bury this information? To introduce this to the public will only cause mass disruption and chaos! The population of the world has no desire to rewrite its entire historical records. Better to quell this information now and spare humanity the despair. The only living Xorse is in this room with us. In the name of every great conspiracy in world history, we must slay it!
Arison: I will allow the Xorse to respond.
XORSE: STARE, HUMAN. SAJKHSDKJSHDKJSHDELHDEEHJDEJKLHDE.
Further records have been destroyed. 