Time travel—fuck—what I meant to say was, “The end of the world!” To continue this now topically correct opening, “Does it mean the end of humans as a species?” More importantly, however, does it mean there will ever be a reboot of the classic film series, Species? The true matter of the fact is that none of us can really say. Why do we even bother with silly hypothetical questions like this one? End of article.
New article! (Article II)—I want to propose we use science and logic to solve an even more crazy and even further aggrandized, hypothetical question. Something to send the gears of the scientific method spinning. Today we ask, “Will the end of the world bring about… oh, I don’t know… let’s say… a day that all humans are judged by an ancient alien race of groundhog overlords… and… skies that are made entirely of Jell-O pudding?” Right—that should do—Will the end of the world bring about a day that all humans are judged by an ancient alien race of groundhog overlords and that the skies become made entirely of Jell-O pudding?
Let’s put on our fact finding hats, boys and girls.
We have to break this question down into its most basic parts if we have any chance of coming to a clear and present danger—ahem—conclusion. I’d also make a Pelican Brief joke now, if I could think of a good one.
The Ominous Groundhog’s Shadow
Could it be that the once noble race of Marmota Monax, as Wikipedia fondly refers to the species, will one day have a role in our undoing? Experiments concerning the animals effects on insects point to one answer, undoubtedly.
Some would argue that man hasn’t even invented spaceflight until relatively recently. That’s true, but what would have prevented these vile woodland creatures from being moved? To be considered alien, they wouldn’t even have to be moved far. Stay with me here, we’re about to take a leap: There could be space-faring groundhogs living on the moon! Delivered by NASA in the early 1970s, they would be right in our own celestial back yard!
But, let’s get real for a second here. One of our qualifiers is that this race must also be ancient. And we are to presume that over a long period of time, this race of land beavers has evolved to be giants, because they’re from space. So, wherever these space beavers originated from, we need to look for an answer further back in time than NASA.
Have no fear, that answer is actually quite simple. Long ago, Earth groundhogs were abducted and transplanted by an even more ancient, alien, and mystic race of space groundhogs—one known as the Xenu.
Conclusion: The Xenu traveled back in time to conceive themselves. It’s so scientifically apt a deduction that it’s genius.
Under a Jell-O Flavored Sky
The second half of our inquisition focuses on the environmental changes that will come with our judgment day.
Let’s analyze the data the scientific community has gathered for us. We know that global warming is real and rapidly destroying the world around us; This much is undisputed. But, there’s no way global warming will be able to turn the skies into gelatinous fruit sculptures. Not unless it has help from its good friend, the liberals.
Liberals have already proven they want to destroy America, so why not the rest of the world? They’ve already sabotaged an oil rig to create the largest environmental disaster in American history, will they really stop before turning the sky to Jell-O? I’m just asking questions. And I’m just a due-paying Greenpeace member that thinks the answer is a resounding no.
The numbers show this: over 15 metric tons of gelatin mix, in all different flavors, has been dumped into our world’s oceans. That’s probably half the necessary amount for a doomsday scenario right there. Once global warming kicks things up a notch, the oceans will warm up, and finally a new ice age will dawn. These are the perfect conditions for making Jell-O! One cup boiling water! One cup cold water!
It’s not so crazy when you figure that the liberals will use their Apple; Google; Ralph Lauren; and, to a lesser extent, CVS money to build giant domes over New York City and San Francisco. The cities will be completely protected from “rising waters levels” and, unbeknown to the general public, the tremendous pressure of a gelatin sky. When it’s all over, who’s left to rule the world? What kind of world will remain?
To keep this brief—pelican brief—even if the plan of the tree-oiling, liberal, hippie, scum were to succeed, they can’t escape judgment. Nobody will be able to flee from the righteous hammer brought upon them by the groundhogs.
There you have it, respected and prestigious body of scholars, chalk another one up for science, the team that beat God!